I’m in the process of putting together the next reading list but it is taking me a long time, so for today’s post you just get a story of me being annoyed, then a bunch of stuff about Eli, and then a public service announcement to all you expectant parents.
I drove behind someone today who braked every time they saw a red light. I mean, if we rounded a curve and there was a traffic light half a mile away that was red, they began slowing down for it. We actually hit all the lights right as they turned green because we had been driving at a snail’s pace up to every light since we’d started braking about three minutes before that. I don’t know if this person just didn’t want to ever completely stop or what, but it was very annoying to be behind them. I kept thinking, “Wait, why are we slowing down?” and then WAY off in the distance I’d see a red light. At least I was pretty sure it was red but it was hard to tell from so far away.
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Eli knows how to say “up and down,” as in “The people on the bus go up and down,” and will fill in the words appropriately in the song. It’s very cute and of course he won’t do it if a camera is rolling. He has also decided that “up and down” is how all three-syllable things are pronounced, in particular the sentence “read a book.” So he’ll bring a book over, say, “up and down,” and then wait for me to start reading. This is especially interesting to me because if I say, “read a…” he’ll say, “buh!” It’s not that he can’t say “read a book,” it’s that he thinks those three words put together are said, “up and down.”
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Eli has forgotten that a sheep says baa. That was his earliest animal sound, and has always been his most consistent one. And now he thinks sheep say, “moo.” Cows also say, “moo.” Sometimes fish say, “baa.” It’s all very confusing. If he sees a bear, he’s started saying, “Drr,” instead of “grr” and then correcting himself after a minute. I don’t understand why he can’t correct himself about the sheep thing. Because sheep don’t moo, Eli, how many times do I have to explain this?!
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Eli has recently unintentionally pointed out to me that I say the word “alright” basically all the time. Apparently every time I finish anything or switch to something new, I say, “Alright.” I discovered this because Eli started saying, “Alright!” whenever he finishes something, and I thought, “Where did he learn that? No one says that around him.” Yes, except for ME. CONSTANTLY.
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Since having a child, I have become physically incapable of keeping my mouth closed when he takes a bite of food. I am really hoping that other parents do this because otherwise I feel like an idiot. I mean, I feel like an idiot about it already, but I’ll feel less like an idiot if I’m not the only one. I’ve even made a conscious effort to keep my mouth closed when he takes a bite and it is impossible to do without thinking, “Don’t open your mouth. Don’t open your mouth. Don’t…” and then I’ve opened my mouth to make sure that last oatmeal bit gets in his mouth (which apparently wouldn’t happen if mine was closed). Hopefully this effect wears off before long because it’s going to be super embarrassing at dinner parties when he’s at the kids’ table and I’m over with the grownups randomly opening and closing my mouth for no apparent reason because I’m watching him like a hawk to make sure that he’s eating his food and not spitting it out like it’s poisoned and/or throwing it on the floor.
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Some of you may know that I collect baby names. I would like to thank the people of the City of Rochester for a) adding to my collection so many, many times over the past few years and b) really cutting down on adding to my collection thus far in 2013. The pickings have been slim so far in the local paper, which makes me so happy. It seems the major issue parents are having recently with naming their children is choosing just two or three given names for them: there are lots of kids with hyphenated names. Like Valentina Chelsea-Stephanie Pierre de l’Eau-Jones and Louise Autumn-Charity-Seraphina Ridgeway-Rounder. I mean, there is NO WAY those names are fitting on standardized tests. (I changed the names themselves since I was including their last names but kept the number of syllables and hyphens the same.) But if this is the worst that Rochester has to offer these days, I must not complain.
Because somewhere in this world are the children who were born here last year. Major Payne. Jupiter. Nugget. Lovely. Bane. Anarchy. Secret. Bullet. A’fficial. JubyLee. Modesty. Jagger Shark. Hawkeye. Halo Lyfe. Colt Gamble. September Lux. Friends. I didn’t change any of these names. Somewhere there really is a kid whose first and middle names are Major Payne. And his parents are going to be yelling it at him when he doesn’t get downstairs for dinner fast enough. And I get that you want your daughter to be an upstanding citizen who dresses and acts appropriately at all times, but I can pretty much guarantee that a teenager whose name is Modesty is going to be anything but. You can’t name your kid Anarchy and then expect them to walk on the sidewalk instead of playing in the street. Your kid A’fficial is going to have a really hard time when spell check starts auto-correcting his name to Official. And, let’s be honest, if you’re at the pool and your son starts picking on another kid, you can’t yell, “JAGGER SHARK, YOU CUT THAT OUT RIGHT THIS INSTANT!” Really, put any of these names into such a situation and you have a problem. There was a little girl on our street named Treasure, and I’ll never forget her mom yelling out the window to her in the summer, “TREASURE! I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN! WATCH YOUR ATTITUDE, TREASURE!” I feel like little Secret is going to also experience some similar issues. “Secret, if you roll your eyes at me one more time, young lady, so help me…”
So to all of my friends who are pregnant, please think about these things. Yell the names you’re pondering up the stairs and see how they sound. Picture it printed on official letterhead or on a business door. Write the name down and show it to the cashier at various stores: if they can’t pronounce it, you may have a problem. Maybe don’t name the baby after a video game, your favorite alcohol, a weapon, an addiction, or a political philosophy. The baby’s name doesn’t need any apostrophes either, especially not apostrophes that don’t even take the place of any letters, like in Ja’Mes. Just spell it James. And imagine this: if some other parent yelled the name you’re thinking of on the playground, would it make you want to laugh? (Hawkeye! Jupiter! Nugget!) If so, take it off of the list.
I promise you, your children will be grateful and so will their teachers and employers.