I identify most with people in the Bible who traditionally get a pretty bad rap. In the Gospels, those people are Thomas and Judas Iscariot.
Thomas voiced aloud what so many around him were surely thinking, and has gotten pegged as “The Doubter” for it. He had faithfully followed Jesus for years. He was hurt, and sad, and grieving! He heard all these other people talking about seeing Jesus, and said, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.” I don’t know that it’s even necessarily doubt that he’s experiencing: maybe he’s just not allowing himself to dare to hope. He dearly misses the man he considered one of his best friends, not to even mention the fact that he feels like God has abandoned him as well. Who among us would not have responded this way to news of a risen Christ just days after witnessing his horrific death? With pain and skepticism, and the most fleeting of hopes.
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In the introduction to Judas: A Biography, Susan Gubar says,
“The four Gospels disagree on when Judas decided to hand Jesus over, how he did it, and why. The Gospels also disagree about the timing of the event, about who Judas brought with him, and about what happened to him afterward. With respect to a minor character who performs a major role, only two facts emerge uncontested and unanimously from all of the Gospel accounts: that he was one of Jesus’ apostles and that he gave Jesus over to the hostile Temple authorities, thereby precipitating a chain of events leading to the crucifixion.”
History is written after the fact. All those years that Judas Iscariot was one of the Twelve, he wasn’t actually referred to as “the one who would betray Jesus.” He was just Judas. One of the Twelve. He didn’t become “the traitor” until later. Even Peter, when he and the ten remaining apostles meet to choose their new twelfth man, says, “For [Judas] was numbered among us and was allotted his share in this ministry.”
We are told throughout the Gospels that the Apostles regularly misunderstood what Jesus had come to do. They really thought he was going to be a military leader. They thought he was wasting time hanging out with “sinners” like tax collectors and prostitutes. Every time he told a parable, the Apostles didn’t understand. I can just imagine the number of times that Jesus finished a parable, looked at his twelve dearest friends, and saw that their eyes were glazed over and staring blankly at him. I feel like Jesus did facepalms a lot. Or maybe he just internally sighed because he was the best person. In any case, ALL of them didn’t get it. It wasn’t just Judas. Or Thomas.
Now, I understand that what I am about to say has no basis in anything except my own thoughts. So this is all speculation and might be heresy but I think God is bigger than my thoughts and will forgive me if it is wrong to ask these questions. Because the quote above is correct: we don’t know much at all about Judas. And I have been wondering.
What if Judas knew that the religious leaders were hoping to arrest Jesus and try him for blasphemy and such, and he believed Jesus would be found innocent if he was tried? Peter was well-known for running his mouth all the time; maybe Judas’ personality leaned towards forcing things to happen. Getting this show on the road, so to speak. What if Judas thought, “Having a trial would be the best way for everyone to see what I see in Jesus. It’s all out in the open, and public opinion is favoring Jesus right now anyways. I’ll go talk to the religious leaders and see what their intentions are.” If they told him that they just wanted to try Jesus before the religious courts, Judas would have had no problem with it. What if Judas did believe that Jesus was the Son of God, and that he could therefore never be found guilty of anything?
There’s the thirty pieces of silver. It was a significant amount of money. But if Judas had access to the group funds (which he did), then thirty pieces of silver was likely pocket change to him. The religious leaders say, “We feel like we ought to give you something for helping us out here,” and Judas replies, “Alright, um, thirty pieces of silver. Or whatever.” After Jesus is found guilty, Judas brings the money back and throws it in their faces. What if the money isn’t what Judas wanted?
Even the famous kiss doesn’t make sense to me. Judas has to kiss Jesus on the cheek so that they know which one is Jesus. After all this time, and all these conversations about what to do about this Jesus character, the religious leaders are not sure what he looks like? I know that images didn’t travel then the way they do today, obviously; but given the big parade that had just happened with Jesus at the front of it, I would bet money that they knew exactly which one Jesus was. What if Judas kissed Jesus so that he could whisper in his ear, “It’s not a big deal. They’re just putting you on trial, and we’ll see you once it’s over. Then they’ll have found you innocent and we can get back to business without having to answer their questions all the time.” What if Judas was trying to do what he thought was right?
What if Judas’ big sin was not that he didn’t believe, but that he was impatient? That he really and truly did believe in Jesus’ message and figured this would be the fastest way to get a major obstacle out of their path? What if Judas was trying to help and screwed it all up in the process?
Because that is how I see myself. It’s not that I don’t believe God, or trust him. I just want him to give me what I want now. Or tell me no now. I don’t want to wait to find out what’s going on. I want to have the answers right at this second so that I can move on to the next thing. I decide I’m going to do something before I think about or understand the consequences for my actions. And I bet that’s how most Christians are. We have faith for this moment but not for the ones to come.
And this is the thing:
We don’t know what Judas’ motivation was, nor do we know the state of his salvation or where he is spending eternity. We do not know. And it is not our place to condemn him for something each of us might have done had we been there.
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A couple of years ago, Craig Gross (the founder of XXXchurch.com) wrote a piece for CNN in which he states,
What is interesting to me is that in the upper room where Jesus and his disciples shared their last supper together, the 12 disciples all talked about how they were so great. Peter left the room and denied Jesus three times. Judas left the room and sold Jesus out for 30 coins. One committed suicide, and one went on to build the church as we know it today. Both Peter and Judas committed the same sin. They both denied Jesus. But why do most people think one goes to heaven and one goes to hell?
Today is Maundy Thursday, the day that Jesus and the Twelve (and others) had their final meal together and Jesus washed their feet. He broke bread and shared a cup of wine with all of them: not just the faithful ones but the ones who doubted, who mouthed off, who didn’t get it, who were quick to anger, who messed up. All of them. And then he took their callused, dirty, smelly feet and washed them. All of them.
Jesus loved Judas enough to share his dinner with him, wash his feet, and then to die for him. He loved Thomas that much too. Even knowing all that would happen, how very much they would mess everything up, he loved his friends. That love is for you and me too. Even when we are obtuse, impatient, unbelieving, angry, sad, dirty, broken, we are loved by Christ enough for him to share a meal with us, cleanse us, and die for us.
As we look back upon the friends of Christ, who spent their last moments with him arguing amongst themselves, sleeping instead of praying, and pretending they didn’t know him, may we give thanks for the gentleness of Jesus to them and to us, who are no better than they.
